Calcutta Guide for Dummies

Please take tea or coffee if you need to drink something. Please feel free to eat sweets if you are hungry but be aware of the Theorem of sweet and waist, which is as follows: With every gram of Bengali sweet consumed, the waist of a Bengali beauty increases by one micrometer. If you find fine, then please see the maps enclosed, which are handmade ones and will give you a rough directional idea of city of Calcutta, including all necessary positions.

Then, please follow the instructions, compiled by Calcutta’s citizens for all outsiders and is very useful as I find from experience:

      1. Don’t listen nor discuss anything political. This is the place where Indian politics was born and took shape.
      2. Howrah is West, Dumdum is North, Saltlake is East, Garia/Tollyganj is South and Sealdah is Central. On top, you need to remember that BT-Road and Grand Trunk Road will take you to Delhi-Mumbai, Jessore Road will take you home (i.e Assam) and Diamond Harbour Road will take you to Bay of Bengal.
      3. There are three bridges over Hoogly – Rabindra, Vidyasdagar and Vivekananda Sethus, One Victoria Memorial, One Fort Williams, one Indian Museum, One National Library, one Zoo.
      4. Metro Rail runs from North (Dumdum as per rule 2)

to South (Tollyganj as per the same rule 2) and Eastern Metropolitan Bypass is the road passing from North to

South lying at the Eastern side of the city, almost parallel to Hoogly.

      1. Assam House, at Russell Street is just behind Maidan Metro Station.
      2. Park Street is for sahibs and memsabs (so where you memsabs rightfully are), Chowrangee for Office-workers, College Street for Books, Coffee and Students, Barabazar for Marwarais, Salt Lake for Retired Govt Servants and non-retired and retired mantris, Sudder Street for drug-addicts, Victoria Memorial for Lovers, Garia for Shopping and Esplanade/Dhramatola for Hawkers.
      3. Don’t accept anything from suspicious looking young men, as they are generally very efficient seducers of women.
      4. If a person here tries to give you unwanted advice (called jyan), please ignore as the there is a problem in the water of the river of Hoogly.
      5. Please understand that roads were made by people and for people and hence don’t expect too much timesavings by travelling by car.

And the last one --- Don’t believe anyone and rest you can manage yourself because here I give the last theorem, uttered by Mr. Bankim Chandra Chatterjee – Sundar mukher joy sarbatra. (A nice looking face will win Everywhere)